I love Malaysia. I also resent it.
It's complicated. A bittersweet letter to Malaysia on Malaysia Day.
I like watching videos of tourists making videos of their trips to Kuala Lumpur. Apparently, it's a very Malaysian thing to watch these videos. Some say it's down to our insecurity as Malaysians, we just like to be reassured that we're awesome, and these foreigners most assuredly would say something nice and complimentary about Malaysia. For me, I probably have a bit of the latter and also this: I've been down and negative about Malaysia all my life, and it's nice to be reminded about the good things we have in the country.
While a lot of Americans believe in the exceptional qualities about their country, a large number of Malaysians, especially non-Malays, view Malaysia in a negative, almost inferior light.
I grew up with the "Malaysia has no future" mantra espoused by so many that I felt that the only way I could have a future was to escape the country. I was 12 when I started having these thoughts.
When I was 19, I finally did when I received a scholarship to study in Australia. When I was there, I was chided by a Malaysian for "always speaking ill of Malaysia."
But back then, I was hugely bitter about the fact that educational opportunities for me, as a Chinese Malaysian, were limited and I had to work so very hard to finish my degree. Many had to go overseas to get an education, and only the wealthy could do that. As someone from a middle-class family, that was a pipe dream.
When the Asian financial crisis hit from 1997 to 1998, many of us could not even finish our degrees due to the skyrocketing exchange rates. And I very nearly became one of them. Instead of transferring my diploma credits to an overseas university to finish my degree as I had planned, I had to start working instead.
But one day, I decided to impulsively apply for an Australian university I knew I could not afford. At least I'd be given the satisfaction that I've been accepted, I thought.
When I received the offer letter, it was bittersweet. I was qualified to finish my degree in Australia, but there was no way I could do it because the economic crisis had shrunk the value of the ringgit, and what was barely affordable for my family before was now beyond my reach.
But then, the dean of my college told me that I was offered a partial scholarship. I still remember that scream I let out in the office when I heard the news. The scholarship was enough to allow me to complete my degree, though my dad still had to fork out a large sum to enable me to do it. But it was no longer an impossible sum.
So, I worked in Australia to supplement my living expenses. I managed to bring some money back to my dad, but it was a fraction of what he slaved to save for me.
So, yeah, I don't take my education for granted and I had a lot of baggage when I was in Australia in 1999.
I could've joined the many students who decided to stay back in Australia to get a PR, but I didn't.
Mostly because I was afraid to carve a life without my family. I had lived a sheltered life, after all, and could not even get the courage to travel to Melbourne on my own!
But then I became a journalist and was forced to travel the world on my own. I visited United States, cities such as San Francisco, Los Angeles, New York, San Diego. I once travelled around the United Kingdom via train, getting the chance to walk the streets where Shakespeare walked in Strafford upon Avon, and attended a (not real band) Beatles show at Liverpool. I visited Manchester, Wales, Scotland, and Ireland.
And of course, I've visited Asia extensively - Thailand, Indonesia, South Korea, China at various points of her development and watched in amazement as she developed at astounding speeds.
And then I finally did it - moved to Australia proper, and with a PR to boot! (Why I did that is very complicated, but let's just say it was a mid-life crisis.)
But all this only helped me love Malaysia more, despite her flaws. It's hard to explain, as Malaysia is clearly at a disadvantage, and let's admit it, suck at many things. But I'm in love with the passion of her people. Watching democracy grow from the watershed year of 2008 to seeing Anwar Ibrahim, the oft-imprisoned opposition leader become the 10th Prime Minister of Malaysia? What a time to be alive and I'm glad I played a teeny weeny part by casting my vote to make it all happen.
In a way, it's weird to love Malaysia. In many ways, Malaysia has shown how much she resents and disdains me by denying me opportunities because of the colour of my skin. She has also shown me that in some way, she loves me too, through her kind and generous people, who are often warm-hearted and inviting.
When I was in Australia thinking of whether to cling on to or abandon my much-treasured permanent resident status, I remembered thinking: "I don't want to just exist in comfort. I want to be part of something that grows."
I was having a comfortable life in Australia, but I felt like a leech, almost. I worked *enough* and without ambition just to get enough money to enjoy the beaches, the parks and libraries. But what if I returned to Malaysia to help build these beaches, parks and libraries, rather than enjoy what was already being built?
So perhaps I'm a really odd person because I preferred to do the latter.
It's tough living in Malaysia. But I love it in my own way. Even if I have to endure the almost always toxic general election every four years, guaranteed to give me an anxiety attack hours before the results come out. (So, hey, Americans, I relate, k?)
Perhaps the love is largely unrequited, but my ancestors have been in Malaysia for almost two centuries. I might as well accept that this is the land where my blood will spill*.
Cultural notes
* Tanah tumpah darahku (is Malay for "the land where my blood will spill") is a lyric in our national song, Negaraku (My Country).
Malaysia, by the way, has two national days: One on Aug 31 (Merdeka Day), the day we gained independence from the British, and Sept 16 (Malaysia Day), when Singapore, Sabah and Sarawak joined the Federation. (Of course, Singapore was infamously told to leave later.) Read Merdeka Day and Malaysia Day: So why do we have two national days?
Still, I do love what makes Malaysia special. Here’s a video specially made to celebrate our national day. It’s older, but one of my favourites, but it highlights the many languages spoken in Malaysia besides Malay, Chinese and Tamil. There are many native languages here, and there’s even Thai, which is spoken in Northern states.
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Thank you Elizabeth for your interesting story. I grew up in Oz so I know that 'the she'll be right' culture can be infinitely boring to those, like yourself, who originate from much older, established cultures. It was one of the reasons I and some mates left to travel overland in '72. We spent time travelling along the Malasian coast, Penang and in Kuala Lumpur and the people were exceptionally friendy and warm. I;ve just come back from a surf trip in Indonesia via Kuala Lumpur on independence day to New Zealand where I live. It seemed to me patriotism is at an all time high! But wow, how the scale of everything has grown.
I was in Kuala Lumpur and George Town in 2019. I love your country. Kuala Lumpur impressed me with its modern gardens, landscape architecture, including the river project, public transport, the cultural mix, the kind people. I would travel back in a heartbeat.